There are a great number of reasons that Patrick Stewart might be trending at any given time, such as anything Star Trek related, random shenanigans with BFF Ian McKellen, or developments in his ceaseless crusade against domestic violence. However, the latest one is born of an utterly preposterous declaration for which we will not stand.
Longevita, a company organizing medical tourism for people wanting cosmetic surgery, has stated that the world is of the opinion that Prince William of House Windsor, Fifth of His Name, is the sexiest bald man alive. The internet, naturally, understandably, and quite rightly, is not pleased with this, and have demanded to know why the once and future Picard has been affronted in this most flagrant manner, as you can see below.
Imagine labeling William as the sexiest bald man when Sir Patrick Stewart IS RIGHT THERE IN THE SAME COUNTRY.
— Dan the Gnome (@brewergnome) March 28, 2021
Was Patrick Stewart not answering the phone or something?
— Holly, Emotional Support Forsaken (@juel1979) March 28, 2021
I mean, I’m heterosexual but even I know the correct answer is Sir Patrick Stewart…
— Dr Francis Young (@DrFrancisYoung) March 28, 2021
Patrick Stewart. https://t.co/OEtYUwfUuS
— JoeyGDude (@dude_esq) March 29, 2021
Just the phrase “Gold Star Lesbian” completely made my morning. And you are correct. Patrick Stewart over The Firstborn ANY DAY. 😂
— Teresa Moore (@teresamwriter) March 28, 2021
I’m a straight, cis man, and even I know that Harry is the sexy sibling. (Though he’s not bald, so not part of the argument – the particular argument’s correct answer is Sir Patrick Stewart.)
— B. Patrick Lonberg (@LonbergWrites) March 28, 2021
Have you seen Sir Patrick Stewart? pic.twitter.com/nZlnP1L2Xf
— ᴊᴇʟᴀ➴ (@jelevision) March 27, 2021
Patrick Stewart didnt captain the Enterprise for our sins to be disrespected like this https://t.co/APe2FZgjvg
— Jessi Sheron makes mermaid comics (@JessiSheron) March 27, 2021
Patrick Stewart pic.twitter.com/f8i0VmbUpi
— chris evans (@chris_notcapn) March 27, 2021
— A Real Person (@ftmtnj) March 27, 2021
On behalf of Sir Patrick Stewart, I demand a recount. https://t.co/1zfnQPeC7R
— Sean Moore (@smeghead4269) March 27, 2021
I’m here on behalf of Sir Patrick Stewart. We have decided we will not be accepting this disrespect. Expect to hear from our lawyers soon. pic.twitter.com/4dTioQE618
— Mama, Baba na Dada Archie (@Africansquadie) March 27, 2021
Patrick Stewart coldly asking you to leave his presence immediately is four thousand times more bracingly erotic than Prince William tremblingly tracing a finger along your collarbone
— Helen Rosner (@hels) March 27, 2021
Patrick Stewart literally exists. https://t.co/b4MJO5Yeyg
— Belle Chanson, Lipstick Witch, MLS (@ekp0717) March 27, 2021
It’s Patrick Stewart you monsters. https://t.co/2nS9inGaCg
— Lizbeth Myles (@LMMyles) March 27, 2021
The declaration apparently came about from Longevita searching for how many times the physical attractiveness appellation was used in conjunction with the second in line to the British Throne, which at 17.6 million was the highest of anyone, far ahead of the likes of Jason Statham, Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson, which is quite simply ridiculous, even disregarding that William hasn’t been in any way hot since his royal genes started kicking in about fifteen years ago. Sir Patrick Stewart O.B.E., to give the great man his due title, was apparently just below the top ten.
Stewart has been bald for most of his life, first losing his hair at the age of 19, and aside from a truly awful wig worn in the BBC’s ‘70s adaptation of I, Claudius, is rarely seen on screen as anything else. It lends a distinguished look to his timeless sophistication and has become as much a part of his presence as his Shakespearean gravitas and ability to utterly embody his characters.
Maybe the search should be run again, as it may well be discovered that Patrick Stewart’s count has increased somewhat, and his rightful place as one of the world’s most desirable chromedomes will be officially recognized.